The Ask Cooper Archives

These archives have been extracted from previous CK newsletters and are compiled here in order of oldest/first to newest/last published. The Ask Cooper feature has since been retired and you can now look forward to new fun reports from the Tilikum Squirrel Protection Squad. To get those in your inbox, and other fun CK news, subscribe here.

Dear Cooper,

I met a guy on Tinder that I’m attracted to and would like to see if a relationship can form between us. But, I think I took the wrong route by sleeping with him. Now how do I approach him about a possible relationship when our relationship currently is mostly sexual?

Dear Confused Tinder Hook-Up,

We’ve all heard of the friend-zone, but in this case, we need to talk about its opposite. The fuck-zone. Trust me. It’s a thing.

Signs you’ve been fuck-zoned:

1. “Dates” are mostly invites to his place to bang.

2. He’s not much for conversation or getting to know you.

3. If you suggest a non-sex activity, he’s suddenly “busy.”

4. He only asks if you’re free now, versus making plans.

5. He replies to your texts with nothing but “nice,” “cool,” “oh, ok,” or, “aight.”

Can you make it out of the fuck-zone? Possibly, but this part is important. The answer is yes, IF he’s good enough for you. Because let me tell you, sweetheart, not every guy is good enough to make the cut. If he’s not interested in more with you, you either need to accept him for the fuck boy he is, enjoy it while it lasts, and move on when it’s time. Or peace out of there now and set your sights on a guy who’s into more than just getting naughty between the sheets.

How do you know? You gotta bring it up. Don’t assume he knows what you’re thinking, because most of the time, we have no clue. Talk to him. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll be into it and want more. Awesome for both of you! If he’s not, you’ll know. He’ll fuck-zone the hell out of you. Don’t try to turn a serial fuck-zoner into a boyfriend. If he doesn’t see how amazing you are, his loss. Let him move aside so the right man can find you.


Hey, beautiful. This week I have a little something different for you. If you’re looking for last minute gift ideas, I’m your guy. Here are Cooper’s top five gift picks, guaranteed to make you a Christmas gift-giving badass.

1. Gray sweats
Babydoll, don’t even pretend you don’t know why. Gray sweats are a thing. And let’s be honest, these aren’t just for him. They’re for you, too. Do yourself a favor and find a pair that will really highlight what he’s packing.

2. Cross-back panties
Don’t even hesitate to get these for him. Because they ARE for him, even if they’ll be on you. A nice alternative for those who aren’t so into a thong. (My Cookie looks fucking AMAZING in these, just saying.)

3. Velvet suit hangers
No, I’m not kidding. These are life-changing, I shit you not. You’ll get twice as many clothes in your closet. Plus, they don’t break. And they’re great for a playful ass smack when someone gets feisty.

4. Edible lube
Do yourself a favor and order this right now. Maybe order two. It’s fun for both of you, and anything that makes happy sex time fun for both is a huge win. Yum.

5. Remote control disco ball party lights
I like flashy lights. You can use these little sparkly rainbows of fun for normal shit like parties. But why not for impromptu dance parties in the kitchen, or to add some flashy fun in the bedroom? I love this shit. Don’t judge. Shiny.

Hope this helps, and Merry Christmas!


Dear Cooper,

I met this guy online a while ago. We flirt a lot and have even sent each other sexy pics. We live close enough to meet in person, but we haven’t yet. I want to take this to the next level, but I’m not sure how to bring it up. How do I take this from online into the real world?

Dear Reader,

Cooper dumped all these questions on my desk again, so I’ll do my best to help. (I’m not even sure why. He’s not out of town, so I don’t know why he can’t answer these himself). I don’t know what he would say. Maybe something about sending him a series of pictures with you slowly undressing and then telling him if he wants the rest, you’ll have to get together. Yeah, that sounds like something Cooper would come up with.

If you know where he lives, I’m assuming you’re already sharing some personal information. You know each other’s real names and some basics about each other. So there’s no reason to assume he wants to stay anonymous. If that’s not the case, you might need to slow down until you know who he really is and can be sure the stuff he’s sending you (pictures, whatever) is all legit.

If you’re sure he is who he says he is, and you’ve been flirting for a while, my advice is to just ask if he wants to get together. Suggest something easy, like coffee. That’s a no pressure way to hang out in person. Once you’ve done that, you can see where things go. If you’re attracted to each other online, chances are you will be in person, too.

So I guess the bottom line is, take a chance and ask. If he says no, that’ll tell you everything you need to know about his expectations. And if he says yes… have fun.

Hope that helps,

Dear Cooper,

Things are getting serious with my girlfriend, but I have a problem. I’ve had a lot of sexual partners and I’m worried about telling her. How should I break the news that my body count is pretty high?

Dear Reformed Manwhore,

Dude, I feel your pain. I didn’t think there were any real consequences to living my best life before I met my Cookie. But I won’t lie, it freaked her out when the truth came out. Things got a little rocky, but it was the price I had to pay for being a man-slut for so long.

I recommend this three-step process for breaking the news about your former manwhoreishness.

1. Pick the time and place. In a bar right after one of your former one-night stands stops to talk to you is NOT the best option. Trust me on this one, bro. Think neutral location, preferably when you can be alone.

2. Be honest, but don’t give her details. Let her know you want to be up front about your past, but don’t start naming names, giving dates and locations, or worse, describing any of your past partners. Don’t go the route of bad-mouthing them, either. She doesn’t want to picture you bad-mouthing her to some other girl someday. Keep it brief.

3. Burn something symbolic. In our family, it’s our mattress. I’m telling you, dude, my mattress had to die a fiery death. There was no other way. And once I did it, I felt like a new man. All that meaningless sex was left far in the past. Burning your bed is probably not practical for most people, but do something to show that you’re leaving your old life behind. Even better, let her be a part of it.

Congrats on your relationship. I’m here to tell you, man, monogamy is fucking awesome. Who knew?


Dear Cooper,

I want to do something fun and different for Valentine’s Day. Any suggestions for good gifts?

Dear Valentine,

I’m so glad you asked. As it so happens, I do have some awesome Valentine’s Day gift ideas.

And keep in mind (this goes for guys and gals, by the way), gifts on a holiday are fun, but there’s also the Tuesday Rule. Sometimes the best reason to give your girl, or guy, a gift is just because it’s Tuesday.

Having said that, here are Cooper’s ideas for an awesome Valentine’s Day:

Treasure Chest of Fun-
A treasure chest filled with date night ideas and sexual favors? Awesome. Sexy, romantic, and all about her. Have some fun with this!

Naughty Pillow Cases-
These pillow cases are fun and just the right kind of naughty.

Personalized “Property Of” Boxers-
My Cookie got me a bunch and I fucking love them. Mine read “Property of Amelia,” and I wear those suckers with pride.

Let’s face it, chocolate is sexy. It’s creamy and delicious and perfect for Valentine’s Day.

Snuggly Blanket-
I love to cuddle, and I really love to snuggle with my Cookie in a big fluffy blanket. Bonus points if we’re naked.

Bacon of the Month Club-
I’m salivating just thinking about it. Bacon, you guys. All the bacon.

Dear Cooper,

My boyfriend has a thing for sex in public places. He likes the danger and thrill of having sex where we might get caught. I’m not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, it can be very exciting. But I’m a lot more worried about getting caught than he is. Do you have any advice?

Dear Reader,

Well, this was definitely a better question for my brother. But this week, you get me, so I’ll do my best.

First of all, I’m just going to be honest. Public sex sounds like a terrible idea. But I’m a little biased because I don’t really like being in public in general. I’m not judging or anything, because we all have our kinks, but that one doesn’t make sense to me.

Having said that, let’s break this down.

The first thing you need to do is some recon. Scout out the surroundings. Depending on how spontaneous the sex is going to be, you might not have a lot of time. So take stock of the area. Entries and exits. Potential viewing points. Possible threats to your safety.

Once you’ve done that, plan an exit strategy. This is critical in any high-intensity situation. Always have more than one potential exit. If the first one goes bad, you need a back-up plan. If you’re about to get caught, or do get caught, you want to know your exits so you can get out immediately.

Finally, worst case scenario planning. In order to safely navigate a potentially dangerous situation, you need to be prepared for all outcomes. Your worst case scenario might be realizing you’re being filmed by someone with a cell phone, or being arrested for indecent exposure. Identify those problem areas and plan for your response so you won’t be taken by surprise.

It might seem like planning and preparedness takes the fun out of it, and honestly it probably does. Maybe a more fun alternative to public sex could be something else, like filming yourself and watching it together, or light bondage. Talk to him and see if there’s a way to keep things fun in a way that’s comfortable for you too.

Hope that helps,

P.S. To the people who wrote in asking whether Roland cried when he got his nipple pierced… I didn’t know he had a nipple piercing, and quite frankly, I’m a little disturbed right now. Things I did not need to know about my brother. So, I have no idea if he cried, although I doubt it. That guy is stoic as fuck. He’s also probably a better guy to answer the above question, considering he and Zoe have had sex pretty much everywhere. Which I also didn’t want to know, but that’s my weird family for you.


Re: the 37 emails Cooper forwarded me regarding my emotional state during my piercing

I don’t know if these emails are real, or if Cooper’s pulling a prank. I had Leo look into it and he claims they’re real emails. For the record, I still don’t trust Cooper.

To answer your questions, and hopefully put this matter to rest:

Q: Did you cry when you got your nipple pierced?
A: No, I didn’t cry.

Q: Did it hurt?
A: Yes, although not as much as I expected. The soreness afterward was worse than the initial piercing.

Q: Was Zoe with you? Was it her idea?
A: Yes, she came with me. I’m not actually sure if it was her idea or mine. Probably both.

Q: Did Zoe get off on seeing you in pain?
A: No. She’s not a sadist. WTF

Q: Do you recommend nipple piercings? Should I try to talk my husband into getting one?
A: I don’t really want to answer this question, but… yes.

To Cooper: in the future, perhaps stick to giving (questionable at best) advice to readers of your advice column rather than suggesting topics primarily meant to screw with your brothers. Also, the package of Oreo cookies filled with toothpaste instead of Oreo cream? That was me, not Chase.


Dear Cooper & Chase:

My sister’s husband cheated on her with a co-worker (they all work for the same company) and now they are divorced. However, he continues to live with her because they could not afford to separate. This was a written agreement that he could stay in the house rent free until the end of 2020 and then she gets the house without having to pay him anything.

As you can imagine, this is a very difficult situation since he continues to have an affair with this woman (who is married with several children of her own). What shenanigans would you suggest to make his life miserable? I know you have it in you since you pulled all of the shit off on Van. The thing is, we have to make sure that her EX-husband doesn’t find out it is her or ME….lol. I may be a great accomplice… put me to work!

Yours truly,

Dear Seeking Revenge,

You TOTALLY came to the right place. Chase and I are experts at this. Your particular case is a bit tricky, since your sister still has to live with the cheating asshole. But I think we came up with some great stuff.

Put honey on his windshield wipers.

Chewed gum, tree sap, or peanut butter (kinda goes with the honey above) on his car door handle is always a classic.

Also a classic: send a box of extra-small condoms to his office in his name.
Zip tie a Frebreze can open in his office and leave it overnight. Get there early to dispose of the evidence (and be prepared to hold your breath while you do).

Last, but definitely not least, this one proves my brother Leo is just as evil as the rest of us. He suggests the Annoy-A-Tron. This bad boy emits a beep at random intervals. Hide it well and he won’t know where the noise is coming from. It could go in his car, his office, his bedroom, etc. This would drive anyone fucking crazy.

I hope this helps. And for the record, dickjockeys who cheat on their wives or girlfriends are the worst. If you and your sister ever come out to Salishan for a tasting and tour, come find me. I’ll give you some great big Cooper hugs for having to deal with this shit. And tell her I said hang in there.


Dear Cooper,

This is Everly Dalton. You might not remember me, but we met at Salishan recently. I’m the one who was ditched by her date when he left with a drunk bridesmaid.

Anyway, I decided to take a break from dating and my two BFFs are giving me conflicting advice. Nora says I shouldn’t wait too long to start dating again or my lady bits could dry up forever due to lack of use (sigh). Hazel says men are unnecessary and I shouldn’t bother.

I could use another perspective. What do you think?

Dear Everly,

EVIE! Of course I remember you. We’re friends now, so I’m not sure why you’d think I’d forget. Come on, give me some credit. I’m almost insulted, but I’ll let it slide because we haven’t been BFFs for very long.

I’m really glad you wrote to me because I’m basically an expert when it comes to the lady zone of amazingness. Going through a dry spell doesn’t mean you have to neglect your hot box. In fact, you really shouldn’t. She needs plenty of care and attention, even if you don’t have a big D in your life to take care of her. The big D is ideal, I think we can all agree on that, but there are alternatives.

I’m sure you’re already well versed in the intricacies of a girl’s night in, but allow me to offer you a few tips. First, my sister-in-law Zoe swears by hot romance novels to get in the mood for happy sexy time. Give it a shot, especially if you don’t have a man friend to warm you up properly.

Second, don’t neglect the other erogenous zones. Obviously some areas will just have to wait their turn if it’s a night of menage a moi, but don’t be afraid to get handsy with yourself. It’s your body, sweetheart. Touch those nipples. Rub your hips and thighs. Tangle your fingers in your own hair. Love on that gorgeous body.

Finally, and this one is important, don’t be too gentle. Women are the perfect mix of delicate and badass, and I’m here to tell you, your vagina is 100% badass. Your lady garden is made to take a pounding. Literally. Don’t be afraid to get rough with that clit. You’ll be glad you did, trust me.

Whatever happens in your dating life, take care of you. And don’t forget the promise you made. You won’t settle. I’d hate to think for a second that you might be with someone who doesn’t love you like fucking crazy. I’m telling you, and this goes out to all you beautiful single women out there, wait for him. For that guy who loves the shit out of you. Anything less isn’t worth it, because you’re fucking amazing.


Dear Cooper,

Hey, it’s Everly again. Thanks for answering my question. It was very… enlightening. My friend Nora said she’s impressed, and that’s hard to do. Especially considering how much of your answer dealt with… well, you know.

I have another question, if you don’t mind. Do you have any suggestions for a girls’ weekend? My girlfriends and I could really use a weekend away. I was thinking your winery would be nice, but I thought I’d ask if you have any unique suggestions for making it really fun.

Dear Evie,

Hey girl, it’s good to hear from you! Salishan is an awesome place for a girls’ weekend. It’s beautiful, and we make the best wine on the planet. Plus, I’m a huge supporter of girls’ weekends in general. You ladies need time to recharge and take care of you.

The last time Cookie had a girls’ weekend with my mom and sisters, she came home super relaxed.

(Just don’t tell her I slept on the porch because I didn’t want to be away from her.)

(Actually, I think she already knows, so we’re probably good.)

Anyway, when it comes to suggestions for making your girls’ weekend fun, I had to dig deep. I’m an expert on having fun, but I’ve never planned a girls’ weekend before. But my Cookie totally had my back because she’s amazing. She came up with some really badass ideas for you.

Home facials. Amelia and my sisters love to get different facial masks (I don’t know what those are, but Cookie says they’re really nice) and do home facials. She says they make her skin feel great. I can confirm. Her skin does feel great, so she must be doing something right.

Clothing swap. Bring some clothes you bought and thought you’d love, but you never wear. Maybe one of your besties will be totally into them. And you get a chance to try on some of the clothes they’ve had sitting in their closets. Those outfits are lonely, sweetheart, let them find a new love.

Boudoir photo shoot. I’m SO into this idea. Hire a photographer for a boudoir shoot in your hotel room. Bring lingerie that makes you feel sexy and amazing and indulge in some super hot photos. Keep them for yourself, or share them with your future awesome man friend (remember, the one who loves the fuck out of you).

Bonfire. We’re big fans of bonfires out here at Salishan. So when you come for your girls’ weekend, we’re definitely going to treat you to a good one. A nice bonfire pairs really well with our Salishan Cabernet, by the way.

I hope this helps with your getaway plans. And don’t even think about going anywhere else for your girls’ weekend. I gave Cookie your email address, so she’ll be in touch.


Dear Cooper,

I need your advice…man to man! It’s urgent!

I dated a girl back in high school, and now years later, I realize that she was THE ONE who got away! I broke her heart because I was a stupid idiot who wanted more than she was willing to give me (if you catch my drift). I’ve been a manwhore ever since and my number is quite high. I’ve been trying to feel what I felt when I was with her, but all I feel is emptiness! She texted me out of the blue one day during this past semester at college and I immediately thought OMG, that is what I’ve been missing and all she said was “hey”….I’m truly fucked here man, help me out!

So, here’s where your advice comes in to play….

1. I finally got the balls to text her and ask her out again and she texted back that she has a boyfriend. I’m totally crushed by this but I’m trying to remain hopeful that we are meant to be. My mom told me that I should at least tell her how I feel, but I am scared of rejection again. What do I do man? I know she has a boyfriend and there is a BRO CODE but I don’t know if I can just let this go and always be wondering about the “what if”.

2. If and when she ever gives me a chance again, she comes from a great family who are very religious, do I tell her about my promiscuous ways while not with her? If I had to guess, she is still a virgin and I’m afraid that my number will scare her away.


Dear Idiot,

Okay, bro, I feel you. I know what happens to a guy when you realize you’ve met the love of your life and she might be gone for good. It’s fucking brutal. Sympathy, dude.

Here’s what you’re NOT going to do. You’re not going to try to worm your way in and get rid of the boyfriend on the sly. That’s not cool, and I’m not even talking bro code here. I actually don’t give two shits about him. He might be a cool dude who’s awesome to hang with, that’s not really the point. Point is, SHE needs to be the one to make the call.

So here’s what you ARE going to do. You’re going to put it all on the line and tell her how you feel. In person is best if you can make that happen. Tell her you’re super into her and you think the two of you would make a badass couple, and you’re a dumbass for how you treated her before. (LOTS of grovelling, here, bro. I’m talking ALL the grovelling.) Tell her you respect that she’s got a new guy in her life, and if that’s what she wants, you’ll bounce and wish her nothing but the best. (And if you really do care about her, that won’t be a lie you’ll really want her to be happy even if it means you don’t get to be the guy to make her that way).

Is it a risk? Shit yeah, it’s a risk. But if you don’t take the chance, next thing you know, your mom is getting an invitation to her fucking wedding and you’re the sad panda sitting at home playing XBOX all grumpy and shit because you fucked up. Don’t be that guy.

As for the body count, yeah, I feel you here BIG TIME. My Cookie didn’t exactly take it well when it came up. Here’s the thing. You don’t necessarily want to lead with that info. It might be a bit much to come at her with, “Hey babydoll, I’m basically in love with you and I made a huge mistake, oh and by the way, I was also a slut for a while, hope that’s not a deal breaker.” I wouldn’t keep it from her, but handle it gently. Most of all, emphasize that you’re not that guy anymore. And be sure you mean it. I was a total slut before my Cookie, but I was always honest about it. And once I met her, I was all in totally changed man. You gotta be all in with a girl like this.

I think you’ve figured out that this girl is total wifey material. So treat her that way. Be honest. Take the risk. If it’s real, maybe you’ll be lucky enough to spend the rest of your life making her really fucking happy. And bro, if it works out, I want to come to the wedding. I’m awesome at weddings, I make them fun as hell. Deal? Cool.


Dear Cooper,

I’ve been married for a few years now and have always been under the impression that he wanted kids. I had some medical stuff that delayed it, but I’m going to be 30 and I’m ready. Now that I’m ready, he’s decided that he’s not sure he wants kids anymore. I’m the baby sister of the family and my 4 brothers are still in the “we’re never settling down” phase, so they’re no help. How do I go about figuring out what changed and what to do next?

Super Confused

Dear Super Confused,

This is a tough one, sweetheart. If he really doesn’t want kids, forcing him into it won’t be good for anyone. Trust me on that.

Here’s what you do. Find a time when you’re both in a good mood so neither of you are distracted by other shit. Post-sex is an awesome time to have important conversations (assuming he’s awake). And I don’t say that because men are pretty docile after blowing their load. That’s true, but I’m not suggesting you use sex to get him to agree. Just that it can be a good time to talk since you’re alone and already feeling good.

Then lay it all out there. Tell him how you feel about it and ask him to tell you how he feels. If he’s a talker, you won’t have to try very hard to get it out of him. If he’s not, poke at him a little until you get the truth.

There are a lot of things that make having kids pretty fucking scary. Trust me, I’m in the shit. I get it. Maybe he’s afraid of how things will change. Or he’s worried about providing for a family. Those are big guy issues. We feel a lot of pressure to be good providers and that can seriously fuck with our heads when we start thinking about being responsible for tiny people.

Or maybe he has fears about what kind of father he’ll be. That one can mess a guy up too, especially if his father wasn’t exactly a great example. And if he was, he might feel like he has some big fucking shoes to fill.

Here’s the thing. You’re a team. You’re in this together. So approach it like that. Not you versus him. It’s the two of you versus a big, life-altering decision.

Dude, I’m so mature now. I need to forward this to my brothers. They’ll be so impressed.

Anyway, to anyone reading who’s thinking about getting married, have the talk about kids before you walk down the aisle. Trust me. You don’t want to find out five years into your marriage that you want babies and he never did, or the other way around. Figure that shit out.


Dear Cooper,

I recently went on vacation to a little town in West Virginia called Bootleg Springs. The hot springs were amazing, by the way. I highly recommend it. Anyway, according to the locals, their town is known for being founded by bootleggers, and for the cold case disappearance of a missing girl. I started looking into the story, and now I’m OBSESSED. I’ve turned into one of those crazy people with a bulletin board full of clues. I’m pretty sure I figured out some of it, but I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HER. This is starting to interfere with my life. My husband isn’t happy. I spend all my free time going over the clues I’ve found and I can’t seem to stop. Help!

Obsessed with a Mystery

Dear Obsessed,

Babydoll, I feel you hard core. I was curious, so I looked it up, and HOLY SHIT. You aren’t kidding, this is compelling as fuck.

I have some theories too. But did you see the latest? WHAT THE HELL! I totally thought I had this shit figured out until I read that.

I’ve gotta go add this new stuff to my bulletin board. I still think there’s something more going on. We should compare notes.

But first I’m going to go make out with my Cookie. Because no matter how much I want to know what happened to that girl, loving on MY girl is still better.

So go make out with your hubby. And then email me a pic of your conspiracy wall and I’ll send you mine. We gotta figure this shit out!


Dear Leo,

My husband went from the life of the party to a job change that’s made him a super hermit. He won’t go to the store or anything. How do I start getting him out again?

Stuck at Home

Dear Stuck at Home,

It sounds like there’s something going on with his job that’s putting him under a lot of stress. Try talking to him so you can get to the bottom of what’s wrong. Is he just worn out because his new job is taking a lot out of him? Or is there something deeper happening?

Obviously I’m all too familiar with the allure of going hermit. I didn’t leave my family’s winery for years. Let me tell you, it’s no way to live. I told myself it was fine. We had hundreds of acres, it was plenty of space. But I wasn’t fine.

For me, I needed some pretty intense motivation to finally leave. But I don’t recommend creating a crisis just to get him to leave home. Just try to figure out what’s going on in his head. It could be as simple as exhaustion. But if he’s struggling with something bigger, he needs you now more than ever. Help him through it without forcing him into anything, and I bet things will be back to normal soon.

Hope that helps,
Leo Miles

Dear Cooper,

After seeing a YouTube video of a country singer, I’m totally infatuated with him. How creepy would it be, on a scale of puppies (not creepy) to clowns (super-creepy) for me to track him down and see him play, and offer to have his children? Is there a minimum number of gigs I should see or dates we have to go on before I offer to have his offspring?


Dear Infatuated,

Babydoll, I love your enthusiasm. But I think springing the offer to be his baby mama when you first meet is definitely killer clown territory. Slow your roll a little bit. Play it cool. Maybe get meet and greet tickets. Make eye contact and go in for a nice hug. If there’s electricity, he’ll definitely let you know.

But here’s the thing, you need to be careful. Every lady deserves a happily ever after, and you don’t want to be another notch on this guy’s bedpost. Or maybe you do, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I can help you there, too, but it’s a different question entirely.

If you want to stay on the puppies end of the scale, don’t go straight for having his babies. That’s a surefire way to scare the shit out of a guy. He’ll look at you and start seeing those overly-attached girlfriend memes, you feel me? Don’t be that girl.

As for how to have a real shot with this guy? That’s a tough one. It’s a lot easier if you’re already his long-lost love, you’re forced to be roommates and dislike each other, or he has a wounded soul and needs your love to heal, that kind of thing. You don’t happen to be best friends with his little sister?

I’ve seen that last one happen. Turned out fucking awesome.

Anyway, I totally think you should go for it, but save the babies conversation for about the fifth date. Seems like a good rule of thumb, and I bet by that point, he’ll be asking you to have his babies anyway.


Dear Cooper,

My husband and I have been going through a rough patch in the bedroom (read: sex happens very rarely!). We have a 3-year-old, which contributes to the problem, as I’m usually exhausted by the time the lights go out. My husband is usually up for anything, but I have a hard time getting over my daily stresses and freeing up my mind enough to be in the mood. Any advice?

Dear Soon-to-be Sex Kitten,

Babydoll, I’m telling you, this is a THING. I get a lot of questions about keeping the bedroom hot when life is fucking busyand seems too busy for fucking. It’s not always easy, but I’m here to tell you, it’s worth the effort. And not just because sex is my favorite (when it’s with my Cookie, obviously), and orgasms are great and I think everyone should be having them regularly. Those things are true. Let’s be honest, can you imagine how great the world would be if everyone started their day with hot monkey sex and could hang out in that sex drunk happy place all the time?

That’s not always feasible, but I maintain that putting in the work to make your sex life awesome is worth it. Good sex is like a relationship awesomeness feedback loop. You have sex, and not only do you feel good (thank you happy brain chemicals), you feel close to your partner. You’re thinking, hey, this guy right here is pretty great and I feel awesome and I’m glad I married him. And he’s thinking the same thing about you. Then you see each other later, in the kitchen or some shit, and you’re still feeling all those good feelings, and you share that little “yeah, we totally fucked earlier” smile and you’re kind of into the idea of doing it again. Maybe not right then, because the three-year-old is hanging on your leg and asking for crackers and juice, and there’s a pile of bills to deal with, and who knows how many other distractions, and holy shit, adulting is hard. But hey, all that hard stuff isn’t so bad when you have an awesome partner, and you’re both feeling pretty great about each other.

The question is, how do you make this happen? First stop? Foreplay. This is the part where I’m going to ask you to hand this to your husband so he can read my advice. Yeah, women can totes do foreplay on men, and it’s sexy as fuck when you do, but I’m guessing he’s not the one having trouble getting amped to bang.

So, husbands? Foreplay. Learn it. Love it. Do it with no expectation that it’s going to lead to sex. I’m serious, bro. Make out and give her some no-strings-attached finger play. Touch her and kiss her and taste her a little and let her know it doesn’t have to go anywhere. Love on her gorgeous body so she can relax, not so you can stick your dick in her as quickly as possible.

The goal here is to help her transition from busy and tired wife/mom/whatever else she is (because she’s probably a lot of things to a lot of different people) to sex goddess. The sex kitten is still in there, bro, but you gotta do the work to coax it out of her. Think of it as a challenge. How many ways can you discover to make her melt for you?

Trust me, bro. Worth it. Okay, now give this back to your wife.

Sweetheart, I think it’s fucking awesome that you want to spice things up. I didn’t cover things like accessories or the benefits of trying new positions because first we gotta get you in a place where sex is something you look forward to, not another item on your never-ending to do list. But a quick note about quickies (see what I did there?). Don’t forget that bedtime isn’t the only time for sexytimes. Yeah, it’s tough with a kid around, but there’s nothing wrong with turning on the TV and running into the bedroom for a quick bang.

Bottom line. That husband guy is a super important part of your life and your marriage is a big deal. Finding ways to get that relationship awesomeness feedback loop rocking is totally worth it.


Dear Cooper,

I moved out of my home state because I felt like it was time for something new (and to get out of the snow of Michigan). Now that I am in a new city, I thought maybe there would be more opportunities for dating (it wasn’t a focus because my self esteem has suckedmany times I would talk with a guy, they’d see a photo and I never hear from them again, or the friend-zone happensand might I say, I have a lot of hot guy friends!)

Friends keep encouraging me to try online dating (“because it’s easier”) but I just can’t seem to get the courage up to message anyone. Any advice?

Dear Sexy Single,

Meeting new people is tough. Actually, that’s not true for me, I meet new people all the time. It’s not that hard. You just smile and say hi and start talking about something interesting. Or ask questions. People like to talk about themselves, and you’ll usually learn cool shit if you just ask what they’re into.

Because, really, what’s the worst that can happen? If you message a dude and he’s not into you, his loss. If you message a dude and he’s creepy or seems like an ass or sends you a dick pic when you didn’t ask for one (side note: if there are any dudes reading this, QUIT WITH THE UNSOLICITED DICK PICS. It’s not cool, bro. If she wants to see your trouser snake, she’ll ask. Dick pics when she WANTS them are fun AF, but have some fucking manners.) you can ignore or block him. No big deal.

But what if, and stay with me here babydoll because what if questions are a big deal, what if you meet someone awesome? What if you connect with a guy who’s cool and you meet up for coffee or some shit and you have a nice time? That would be pretty badass, right? You’ll never know if you don’t try.

You basically have two choices here. Do the same thing you’ve been doing, or try something new. This is your LIFE, sweetheart! You only get one of those, and the best thing you can do is let go of your fear, embrace the beautiful woman that you are, and believe that the guy who’s going to love the shit out of you is out there looking for you too. Believe it, honey, because I’m here to tell you HE IS. He’s out there, and you two are going to find each other.


Dear Cooper,

A creepy older-looking guy messaged me recently, saying I should fly to Germany so we could meet in person. He also said obviously with the way I look, no one in my area would want me anyway. I took great delight in blocking him and reporting the message, but I’d like to know what your response to this kind of thing would be.

Dear Beautiful,

You have got to be fucking kidding me. I’m telling you, guys like him make the rest of us look bad and it pisses me the fuck off. Call me old fashioned… (Although you’d probably be the first and only person to ever say about about me. I’m not old fashioned at all. Leo might be, although I’m pretty sure that guy is a freak behind closed doors. I bet Hannah knows the truth. Roland, on the other hand, he’s kind of an old fashioned guy. But he’s a freak, too, let’s be honest.)

Wait, what was I saying? Right, call me old fashioned, but what ever happened to MANNERS? This guy’s mother obviously didn’t raise him right. My mother did raise me right (thanks, Mom, love you), and even in my wild single days, I never would have said shit like that to a woman. Fuck that noise.

The thing is, sweetheart, this guy in Germany is a dick licking piece of shit on a stick. He’s a sad, miserable excuse for a man. My response to him? Nothing. Nada. Zero. I’ll hand this one over to the one and only Tay-Tay, and say, “I forgot that you existed.”

By the way, have you heard her new album? It’s fucking awesome and I don’t give a shit how much Leo makes fun of me, I love Taylor Swift and I always will. Chase is with me on this.

He’s not worth a second of your time. You’re a beautiful badass motherfucking woman and don’t ever let anyone dim your sparkle.


Dear Cooper,

I have recently had to deal with A LOT of assholes because my mom was in the hospital then passed away. Your insults provide me a bit of humor when I use them. Can you make a list of your favorite insults pretty please? My current go-to is assgoblin, I enjoy the shock I get lol. Thanks!

Dear Snarky Babe,

First of all, I’m really sorry to hear about your mom. That just sucks and there’s not much to say other than I hope you’re okay and you deserve a shit ton of hugs. Do you have someone around to hug you? If you don’t, come see me. I give amazing hugs. Seriously, it would be worth the trip.

As for my list of favorite insults, baby, I’ve got your back. Get ready to take some notes, because Coop has you covered.

Douchebaggette (for when you want to sound fancy)
Assmonkey (See, you can pair almost anything with ass and it’s awesome)
Bag of dicks or, for more punch, greasy bag of dicks
Ass bandit (I can keep going with the ass insults all day)
Bitchzilla (I got this one from Zoe)
Ass backwoodsman (see what I did there?)
Chickenfucker (There’s something to be said for just putting two words together when the first one is something like ass, cock, bitch, or dick… feel free to get creative)
Wank stain
Wanker (say this one with a British accent for added fun)
Sheepshagger (Yeah, I know these are almost in alphabetical order, but not quite. I like sowing a little chaos.)

Hopefully this is enough to keep you going for a while. Like I said, get creative with them. Sometimes the weirdest insults have the most impact because people don’t see them coming. I’m crazy proud of you for standing up for yourself, babydoll. Give ’em hell.

Then go get some hugs.


Dear Cooper,

I’ve been stuck at a job I hate and it’s only getting worse. My new boss is grumpy and difficult. He’s making my life miserable. But, I’m afraid I won’t be able to find another job. What if I wind up in a situation that’s worse? Or what if I can’t find anything? Do you have any advice?

Dear Brave Babe,

Sweetheart, life is FAR too short to be miserable. If you work full time, you’re there for a pretty big chunk of your waking hours. Sometimes we all gotta suck it up and deal so we can put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads. That’s life.

But if you’re slogging through your days in a job that’s sucking the life out of you, it’s time to GO. Babydoll, nothing will change if you don’t change something, you feel me? You can either trudge into work and feel like shit, or you can DO something about it.

Is it scary? Shit yeah, it’s scary. New things are. But don’t let fear make your decisions for you. That never turns out well.

Could you end up with a job that’s worse? I don’t know, maybe? But if you stay where you are, you know how shitty that is. So why not get out there and take the chance. Find something better. Because I’m telling you, that something better IS out there. I promise. You just have to go out there and get it.

Note from Leo because he was reading over my shoulder:

Cooper’s right about not letting fear make your decisions for you. I did that for a long time and it didn’t get me anywhere. I was stuck. And I hated it. I hated my life, and I didn’t like myself a whole lot either. When I stopped letting fear rule my life, everything changed.

You’ve got this.

Coop and Leo

Dear Cooper,

My husband and I have been together for nine years, and a long time ago in our relationship we set some boundaries to keep us special. One being no talking on social media with the opposite sex. Two being no “self-love” without the other. I recently found out the last two times I’ve gone out of town, without him, (which has only happened one other time) he has crossed both of those boundaries.

Now, I don’t know how to feel, if I should be angry or hurt or what. He’s a good husband to me and our relationship is solid, and hasn’t crossed any of the other lines, that I know of. I’m just super confused on how to feel. Any Help?

Dear Super Confused,

Okay, sweetheart, first of all, was he chatting up another chick WHILE he was spanking his monkey? Because that’s a bigger issue and I’m just going to say call a therapist stat.

Let’s assume that’s not what’s happening and he did those two things separately. The first thing you need to do is get this shit out in the open. If you don’t talk about it, it’s going to simmer inside and pretty soon you’re full of all these gross confused feelings and he has no idea why. Ask him about it. Lay it out there and tell him how it makes you feel. And make sure you give him a chance to talk too.

I’d also suggest easing up on the jack-off ban. Is it really so bad if he plays a little game of couch hockey for one? Sometimes a guy just needs to unload. It doesn’t mean you’re not his favorite.

And if you don’t like the idea of him getting off to porn, you can always make a little of your own. Let him take some hot pictures of you that he can bring out on a rainy day… or a night when you’re out of town and he’d sleep so much better if he could just blow his load first. Trust me, hot nakey wife pictures (and video if you’re ready to get more adventurous) is the FUCKING HOTTEST EVER. Just make sure if you’re sending shit, you don’t accidentally text it to your sister-in-law, because she’ll get kinda pissed.

Don’t ask me how I know that.

Also, sorry Zoe. Again.

Bottom line? Bring it up and talk it out. If you’ve already talked and you still feel shitty, then you gotta dig deeper and figure out why. Don’t let a trust issue get worse when it’s still fixable. And save the spank bank creation for when you’re back on the same page trust-wise. It’ll be way more fun that way.


Dear Cooper,

I’ve been divorced for quite a few years and recently decided to give dating a try. I’ve been seeing this guy and we have a lot of fun together. But there’s a problem. He came to my place for the first time the other night (I cooked dinner) and while he was looking around, he noticed my bookshelf. I have a collection of romance novels, some signed. He acted really surprised that I read romance and even called the books “porn.” He was mostly joking, but his comment really bothered me. I keep thinking about it and I’m not sure what to do. Am I being too sensitive and I should just let it go?

Dear Book Lover,

Sweetheart, that’s bullshit. You’re not being too sensitive. Who the fuck is he to judge what books you read? And for fuck’s sake, romance novels aren’t porn. Amelia has a ton of them (side note: your woman reading you the sexy parts of a romance novel is hot as fuck) and yeah, there’s plenty of the good stuff in them. But porn is something else, and either he’s an idiot and doesn’t get it, or he’s being an insensitive dick.

My money is on the second one.

I’m not saying dump his ass and block him. But maybe dump his ass and block him. Everyone should be able to love what they love and not give a fuck about what other people think. But when someone close to us feels the need to shit all over the thing we love, that’s a problem.

If you’re only kind of into this guy, my advice is to nope out now. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.


Dear Cooper,

I could use some last minute gift ideas for my husband. I don’t want to give him the same old thing. Do you have any ideas for gifts that are unique and fun?

Dear Gorgeous Gifter,

I’m so glad you asked! Christmas is my favorite because I love giving presents. And getting them. I also love fun, so you definitely came to the right place.

Here are Cooper’s 2020 Recommendations for Awesome Last Minute Christmas Gifts:

In the cute as fuck category, how about matching Big Spoon and Little Spoon t-shirts? I got these for me and my Cookie (shh, don’t tell her). You’ll be fuckin’ adorable.

In the sexy category, I highly recommend hot lingerie, or even just sexy panties. Yeah, they’re for you to wear, not him. But trust me, sweetheart, you’ll be his favorite present to unwrap.

In the practical category, What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner is a book of 50 recipes to answer life’s every day question… what’s for dinner? Plus it has an f-bomb in the title which makes it at least 20% cooler.

In the cozy category, check out hooded men’s robes. They are comfortable AF. This is totally on my list this year. (It’s cool if you drop a hint to Amelia for me, just don’t tell her about the awesome spoon t-shirts).

In the tech category, a drone is fucking sweet. Leo has one and it’s fun as hell. He even let me fly it once. Coolest thing ever!

In the wine category, (obviously I have a wine category, I’m a Miles), how about badass titanium crystal wine glasses? These bad boys are big enough to let your wine aerate so you get the best flavor experience. Plus they’re super hard to break, which is a plus if you tend to break shit.

Finally, in the alcohol that’s not wine category (because why not), I’m into whiskey stones. They’re a great way to chill a drink without watering it down.

Hope this helps, sweetheart, and have an awesome Christmas!


Dear Cooper,

I’m a mom of two boys ages 16 and 18 1/2. Both have just got their very first girlfriends, at the same time. The older one is a freshman in college still living at home, so he’s trying to “spread his wings,” so to speak, and trying to be more independent. I’m going a little crazy. I don’t know what I’m allowed to say and not say, or ask, them about the girls. I tried with the older one and he just clammed right up. All I wanted to know was what her name was and how he met her, and maybe some of her interests!! The younger one doesn’t say two words half the time at home, but can sit on the phone and chat with her for hours each night. They’ve always been pretty good kids, but I get so worried that my older one is making good choices and not getting in with a bad crowd and doing things that he will regret. I’m so lost. Any good tips or words of advice for this mom who is quickly getting gray hairs on navigating the girlfriends and becoming (or parenting) an adult?? Thanks!!

Dear Super Awesome Mom,

Sweetheart, parenting is no freaking joke. You’re already a badass for getting them this far, so give yourself a pat on the back and have a nice glass of wine to celebrate.

You probably already know I’m not exactly shy about expressing myself. (My brother Leo says I never shut up, but that’s absolutely not true. I shut up all the time. When I have to.). But when I was that age, I didn’t want to talk to my mom about girls either.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Talking, like the real, out loud kind, isn’t working. But communicating another way might. Try texting them. If that’s not a thing you guys do already, start with a quick, “Hey, just checking to see how your day went,” or “Do you want cookies? I’ll make some.” (Cookies don’t have anything to do with it, I just think it’s probably smart to offer teenage boys food, and cookies are awesome. Who knows, it might soften them up).

Once you get them to reply a couple of times, try asking bigger questions. Sometimes it’s easier to text than talk. It could take the weirdness out of it for them and make them more likely to give up the deets. Just don’t jump straight to, “Invite her over for dinner!” because if you’re having trouble just getting the girls’ names out of them, a dinner invite is going to make them retreat faster than Chase diving under a table to hide from one of his exes back in our single days.

And don’t worry. You’ve totally got this.


Dear Cooper,

You know all about working with family. What’s the best way to stop two of your family members/work mates from constantly bickering?

Dear Beautiful,

Mixing work and family isn’t easy. I’m totally familiar with that. Here are some ideas for creating a better, less argumentative work environment when your coworkers are also your fam:

Put a Childish Bickering Jar someplace central and make them put in a dollar every time they argue. Buy yourself something awesome with the money.

Carry a bag of glitter in your pocket and toss it on them every time they fight. Shout, “I’m sprinkling happiness, bitches!” while you do it.

Buy a big-ass cake or other dessert (bonus points if it’s their favorite) and put it on display. Tell them they only get some if they can get through the day without fighting. If they fail, eat it in front of them and make orgasmic moaning noises to emphasize how fucking delicious it is.

Make an Asshole of the Week (or Month, whatever works) sign and put their pictures on it whenever they fight.

Make them share the smallest office space you have until they stop fighting. Lock them in if you can.

Record them fighting and then use it during a company meeting as an example of how NOT to behave at work. (That one is my mom’s idea—she did it to us when we were kids a few times and let me tell you, sweetheart, no one likes seeing evidence of themselves being a dick. It sucks balls.)

Good luck, babydoll, and I hope things get better at work!


Dear Cooper,

I’m an avid reader and there’s a new book series I’m really looking forward to. But I have this weird sense of guilt. What if I fall in love with a Bailey brother? Why does that feel like I’m being unfaithful? Tell me truthfully, am I crazy?

Dear Gorgeous,

Nah, you’re not crazy. You’re passionate and enthusiastic, and that’s awesome.

Think of it this way. All that love you have for your favorite books? It’s limitless! So when a new book family comes into your life, that heart of yours is just going to grow bigger to make room.

Also, I happen to know those Bailey guys. Four of them, anyway, and they’re pretty fucking awesome. I mean sure, the big one scares people, but he’s actually pretty cool. And one of my new favorite things is trying to guess which twin is which before they tell me. I get it right every time, but it’s actually not that hard when you have a funny twin and a grumpy twin. Their facial expressions give it away every time. And the youngest? Sweetheart, that guy might actually be crazier than me, and that’s saying something. He isn’t scared of shit, and it’s a fucking sight to behold. I love that dude, he’s hella fun.

I haven’t met the oldest yet, and I’m getting really fucking antsy about it. Because he’s the one engaged to my sister, Grace (half-sister, not the sister who stole my best friend from me, who is currently still on my shit list for said best friend heist, but it’s really more of a fake shit list because I freaking love those two, they’re the awesomest ever). So this guy? I don’t know, he better be good enough for my Gracie, or he and I are going to have words.

Anyway, open up that big heart of yours and don’t be afraid to fall in love, over and over again. Because love is freaking sweet. There should be more of it in the world.


A Special Ask Cooper Miles

Need tips for making the best of social distancing? Cooper has you covered.

Okay babydolls, I know things are crazy out there. This whole social distancing thing is rough, but it’s super important we all do our part. I get that, and I know you do too. (Seriously, I haven’t had a Chase hug in like two weeks, and if it wasn’t for my Cookie, I’d be so fucked right now. This is tough. I feel you.)

So how can we make the best of things when we’re steering clear of our fellow humans? I have a few ideas for you.

Have all the sex. Obviously this specifically applies to people who are part of a couple where sex is a thing you do. If so? GET IT ON, FREAKY PEOPLE. This is an awesome time to get creative and try new things. You’re already breathing the same air and swapping body fluids. Take advantage and get some necessary physical contact. It’s a great way to get in some exercise, too.

Just, you know, be a little extra careful with the birth control usage. We all know there’s going to be a shit ton of quarantine babies next year. If your’e hoping for that, have some fuckin’ fun! But if not, be careful.

Blanket forts. I’m telling you, they’re not just for kids. Blanket forts are fun as shit! Move your furniture, use the couch cushions and chairs, and get creative. We just had a blanket fort picnic dinner last night and it was awesome.

Plant a garden. This is a little tricky if you don’t already have seeds, but might be an option if you’re in a place where it’s still okay to make a quick trip to a nursery or hardware store (but for the love of everything, don’t touch your face and wash your fucking hands!). If you can’t get seeds or starters, maybe do a little research and plan for one. Or just get out there and do a little work in the yard. The fresh air is awesome (and healthy).

Hang out with your friends online. There are a bunch of cool ways to hook up with your favorites without risking anyone’s health. Apps like Skype and Google Hangouts make it easy to get some face to face time with your people. Cookie and I have been using it to chat with the family pretty much every day. Except Leo. He won’t answer when I call.

Dance parties. Crank up some tunes and shake that booty. There’s literally NO ONE WATCHING, so if you’re normally shy about it, you’re in the clear! Same goes for singing, although if you sing anything like Chase, please just don’t. For all of us.

And introverts, make sure you check on your extrovert friends. I know you guys were basically made for this hunker down at home thing (Leo has this handled LIKE A BOSS). But the extroverts of the world are going to get a little stir crazy.

Like I said, luckily I have my Cookie, and we’re taking this time to do as much fun shit as we can think of while staying home. With her, it’s not even a hardship.

Stay safe and stay home!


This week, I’m coming at you with something super awesome and special. With everything going on in the world, it can be pretty easy to start feeling down. Cookie had the awesome idea to get the family to share some of the things they’re grateful for and hopefully inspire you to look on the bright side and find the good things in your life too. She’s so smart, I fucking love her. So here we go, gratitude lists from the Miles family.

Amelia: I’m grateful for Cooper and our boys (of course). Also for fuzzy slippers.

Chase: I’m grateful that the stores didn’t run out of M&Ms.

Brynn: I’m grateful for male stripper tutorial videos on YouTube.

Zoe: Right now, I’m grateful that I’m surrounded by an endless supply of wine. And for secret piercings.

Roland: For oversize bathtubs. And for Zo. Always.

Hannah: During these difficult times, I’m grateful for Leo’s skills. ALL of them.

Leo: What am I not grateful for? If I have to pick, Hannah and my babies. Also for my new Titan gaming chair that Hannah got me because it’s pretty fucking sweet.

Shannon: That my kids and grandkids are all safe and close by.

Ben: For Shannon, fresh air, and a nice glass of whiskey. Not much more a man needs.

Cooper: My list was really long and Cookie said I should shorten it. So the shorter version is, I’m grateful for my Cookie FOREVER, for my babies (because they’re obviously the cutest, most amazing babies ever born), for cold beer and grilled meat, for big-ass bonfires and the local fire department who lets me get away with them. For fertile ground, and marshmallows, and bridges over rivers. And I guess that’s enough, although I could play this game all day long because life is fucking awesome.

Dear Cooper,

Claire is basically ruining my life with all the Bailey Brothers teasers. I’m DYING. When are we going to get to see the covers for Protecting You and Fighting For Us?? That sneak peek was not enough. Is there anything you can do for us, Cooper? PLEASE?

Dear Gorgeous,

Babydoll, I’m a sucker for a challenge, especially since you asked so nicely.

Tell you what, before I jump on this train (because it could get me in a lot of trouble), I need to know if you’re down for some Cooper shenanigans.

Click below to vote on whether I should try to get my hands on the covers and send them out early.

How would I accomplish this? Trust me, sweetheart, I have my ways.

Hey babydolls!

Cooper Miles, here. I know you’re not expecting me, but thanks to my brother Leo and his wife Hannah, I hacked into the newsletter so I could bring you—and ONLY you—a sneak peek of the covers of the first two books in the Bailey Brothers series.

Will I get in trouble? Probably. Is it worth it? For you, abso-fuckin-lutely. You gorgeous readers voted, and the results were decisive. You want these covers, and I can’t say that I blame you.

There’s some other stuff that was supposed to be included this week, like the next Monthly Reading Challenge, so I made sure Leo left that all in. (And hold on, can we talk about this for a second? Sci-fi romance? Hunky aliens? Is that a thing?)

But let’s be honest, I know why you’re really here. Trust me, I get it. I’ve been waiting to get a look at him too. I mean, seriously, the anticipation has been KILLING me. This is my sister we’re talking about, and just because I haven’t known her all my life, she’s still my sister, and if she’s really going to marry this guy? I need the DEETS, man, and I need them NOW.

Dear Cooper,

My boyfriend and I haven’t been able to see each other in person for a while and it’s driving us both crazy. Zoom calls are great and everything, but the lack of physical… you know… is killing us. We’ve never done any sexy stuff over the phone or online before, so it makes me a little nervous. But I’m willing to try! Any ideas or advice for maintaining intimacy when we’re quarantined apart?

Dear Gorgeous,

This quarantine thing is tough on so many levels, isn’t it? Never fear, Coop has you covered.

Let him know what you want.
First of all, make sure your boyfriend is on the same page. Don’t get on a video chat or start texting and just hope he’s going to get the hint and talk dirty to you. Since this is new to you both, clue him in first.

Set the mood.
Turn down the lights, light a candle, get in the bathtub, whatever sets the mood. If you’re self conscious, just make sure the blinds are closed and the door’s locked. If you have roommates around, turn on a fan or some music so you’re not distracted.

Start with what makes you comfortable.
If you’re not ready to point the camera at your hot box and let him watch you get yourself off, that’s fine. Try some sexy texts or dirty talk over the phone to warm up. Once you’re having fun with that, you can try some peekaboo with the camera.

Have fun.
This is the important part. Make it FUN. Trust me when I tell you, he’ll be ALL OVER seeing his favorite girl indulging in some self-love. Make it as hot as you want and don’t be afraid to try new things. After all, if you two are in love and trust each other, what do you have to hide? Enjoy yourself while you watch him enjoy himself. It might not be the same as the real thing, but it can be an awesome alternative in the meantime.

Wishing you both epic orgasms,

Dear Cooper,

My daughter is sixteen and I’m so worried about her. She doesn’t seem to have many friends and the stay at home situation hasn’t really changed much for her. All her time is spent working on her blog and writing superhero romance fan-fiction. She doesn’t want to do any normal teenage girl things, like shopping or dances or going to football games. She seems happy, but I’m worried that once those activities start up again, she’ll be even more disconnected and miss out on so many great experiences. How can I get her interested in more normal activities?

Dear Gorgeous,

I’m just going to level with you here, babydoll. You don’t.

Your daughter sounds like she’s fucking awesome just the way she is. Superhero romance fan fic? That’s badass.

She has interests, maybe they’re just not the same things you were into when you were her age. No big deal. My advice is to encourage her passion. Embrace who she IS, not who you thought she’d be.

Heavy stuff, sweetheart. I get it. It would be like neither of my boys having any interest in all the awesome stuff I love, like my vineyards and being outside and jumping off bridges naked. Granted, they love being naked now, and they’re too little to jump off anything, but who knows who they’ll turn out to be when they’re older. Hopefully I’ll be man enough to embrace who they are, even if they’re different from who I thought they’d be.

Wow. I’m blowing my own mind here. Parenting is no joke.


Dear Cooper,

Is there any way you can get Gram Bailey’s blackberry cobbler recipe? I have a serious craving for it thanks to Fiona!

Dear Craving Cobbler,

Okay, I’m not going to claim this is Gram’s EXACT cobbler recipe, because it isn’t. That’s a closely guarded secret. Can you believe she wouldn’t even give it to me? But I did get Fiona’s number from Grace and she gave me this recipe, which she’s pretty sure is damn close to Gram’s. She says it’s guaranteed to make even the grumpiest man happy, whatever that means.

Since your question made me start to crave blackberry cobbler too, I decided to give it a shot and bake some myself. Babydoll, I’m telling you, it came out fucking awesome. I highly recommend whipping up a batch. Whether you’re grumpy or not, this shit is guaranteed to make you happy.


1 stick of salted butter, melted, plus a little more for greasing.
1 plus 1/4 cups sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup all purpose flour
3/4 cup (any type of) milk
12 ounces/two containers of fresh blackberries

Preheat your oven to 350.

Rinse your blackberries and set them on paper towels to dry. Don’t skip this step, sweetheart, that’s gross.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and coat the inside of an 8×8 or 9×9 baking dish with butter.

Pop your stick of butter in the microwave to melt. Only don’t leave it in too long because butter makes one hell of a mess when it splatters. Don’t ask me how I know that.

Whisk flour, baking powder, salt, milk, 1 cup of sugar, and 1 stick of melted butter in a medium sized mixing bowl until most of the lumps are gone.

This step was so easy, I thought I was missing something. Just don’t get too enthusiastic with the whisking. Cookie tells me you can over-mix.

Pour your batter into your greased pan and place blackberries on top. Spread out as evenly as possible.

Don’t be afraid to talk to your creation. Give it some love. I’m pretty sure that’s what made mine so good.

“That’s it, you plump little berries, get in that batter. You like that don’t you? Yeah, get dirty, baby.”

And if that gets you hot, this is a good time to go have a pre-cobbler quickie while your oven finishes preheating.

Okay, once you’re blissed out, or at least finished adding the blackberries (if you skipped the quickie, don’t worry, you’re about to have an orgasmic eating experience), sprinkle the remaining 1/4 cup sugar all over the top. This will add a crunchy layer to the top of the soft cobbler.

Bake your cobber at 350 degrees for one hour.

Cooper’s pro tip. Don’t forget to set the timer and get distracted doing something else and then forget you were baking in the first place. Luckily for me, my Cookie saved the day and took the cobbler out of the oven. She’s so amazing.

We ate ours with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and oh my fucking god, it was good. Chase and Brynn came over later and had some too, and Chase agreed it was the best blackberry cobbler he’d ever tasted. He didn’t believe that I was the one who baked it, though, the dick. I’m still plotting my revenge for that.


Dear Cooper,

This year has been so crazy, it’s hard to get into the holiday spirit. Can you help me out with some gift ideas? I think doing a little (online) shopping for my family and friends will be fun, but I’m having a hard time deciding what gifts to buy.

Dear Looking for Christmas Spirit,

Babydoll, I’ve got you. I know this year has been bananas, but we can still have some Christmas cheer. I don’t know about you, but we started decorating early, because fuck you 2020. A little holiday spirit is what we need around here.

First up, I got my Cookie one of those mermaid blankets and she loves it. It’s perfect for snuggling up on the couch with a favorite book or to watch Netflix with your boo. Plus, mermaid. Those are almost as badass as unicorns, so you can’t go wrong there.

A shiatsu back massager is the fucking BOMB. It comes with a car adapter and a Velcro strap, and I’m telling you, long drives will never be the same. You can get this for pretty much anyone and it’ll be the best thing they get this year. Go ahead, get one for yourself too. Be your own hero.

As you might already know, my family is into bonfires. We ran out of mattresses to burn, which is a real shame because there’s nothing like a good mattress bonfire. But Chase and I still know how to build a badass fire, and most of the time Ben doesn’t even tell us to tone it down. We love stainless steel wine glasses for when we’re bonfiring it up. They don’t break, they look badass, and they won’t fuck with the flavor of your wine.

I just found matching family Christmas pajamas and I am HERE FOR THEM. Cookie and I will be wearing these on Christmas morning and our boys are going to look adorable as fuck. Who am I kidding, we’re all going to look adorable as fuck. Buttflaps! Hell yes.

Finally, candles from The Candle Daddy are amazing. First of all, the company is called The Candle Daddy. Are you kidding me? Fucking brilliant. And they have scents like Deez Nuts, Lick My Stick, and Morning Wood. Yeah, pretty much everyone I know is getting one of these this year.

I hope this helps, sweetheart. Wishing you the merriest damn Christmas you’ve ever had. You’re beautiful and you deserve it.


Dear Cooper,

As an adult, what lesson did you learn from your mum and parental figures in your life (aka Ben) as a boy that you appreciate/remember/use now with your boys? Asking as a single mum of a very energetic boy.

Dear Badass Single Mum,

As a former very energetic boy (who turned into an energetic man, let’s just be real here), my mom feels your pain. And as a dad of twin energetic boys, now I do too. My mom had her work cut out for her, but one thing she did that was awesome was find ways to let us get our energy out. We were outside all the time, playing in the dirt and climbing on things. And if we couldn’t be outside, she’d make up games that got us running up and down the stairs or let us build huge forts out of the furniture. She didn’t try to contain the madness, just guided it so we didn’t hurt ourselves or break anything. We still did sometimes, but she just saw that as part of raising kids.

I try to do the same with my boys—let them be little boys. They’re loud, they get dirty, and they make messes. But if we let them get some of that out of their systems, they can calm their bodies and sit still at other times.

And let me just say, you’re a motherfucking warrior for raising your little guy on your own. You’re kicking ass, mama, and I’m proud of you.


Dear Cooper,

My daughter is 13. She loves to read and begged me to let her have my old Kindle. That also gave her access to my library. My husband is slightly horrified that she’s reading romance novels. What should I tell him?

Dear Romance Mama,

Let’s be honest, there are far worse things your daughter could be exposed to than romance novels. With the internet, how easy is it for kids to see shit they should NOT be seeing? Trust me, I was that kid. I turned out okay, but it scares the fuck out of me when it comes to what my own kids (and all my nieces and nephews) might find online someday. Fuck that.

So maybe tell the hubs that what she’s reading are sex positive accounts of badass men who can please their women, women having actual orgasms (as they damn well should), and strong relationships with happy, hopeful endings. I mean, if you’ve got a lot of shit in your Kindle library that’s way above her maturity level, then I can see his objection. But if she grows up with high standards for how men should treat her and what she should expect out of a relationship, I don’t see a downside.

Hope that helps!


Dear Cooper,

I have two boys who are now young adults. What secret weapon did your mom use to keep the “guy talk” to a minimum in the house? They seem to forget they are not in a locker room when at home.

Dear Mama,

I’m not sure how much help I’ll be on this one since I don’t really have a filter and I never have. I’m sure my mom had to deal with plenty of guy talk, especially when my brothers and I still lived at home.

But I do have an idea and I think it’s pretty awesome (because of course it is). Fire back with girl talk. Bring up something like your period or tampons or vaginal lubrication in front of them. That’ll make them think twice about letting the dude banter fly in front of you.

Side note: that doesn’t work on me, like, at all. I love girl talk. Hell yes, talk to me about your period or whatever else girls talk about when guys aren’t around. (Especially if you’re my Cookie. If you’re someone else, it might be awkward, but hey, I’m still here for it).

If that doesn’t work, I’ll tell you what will. How do I know? Because this does work on me. Every time.

Talk about your sex life.

I’m telling you, my mom brings up sex and I run for my vineyards. It’s almost as bad when my sister Brynn or any of my sisters-in-law talk about sex, but even then I might suffer through it if I think there’s dessert in the near future. But I prefer to live in a constant state of utter denial about my mom as a sexually active human. Just no, don’t even talk about it in front of me.

So, I guess don’t tell my mom, but I’m pretty sure the best way to get me to shut up is for her to say anything that even implies she has sex.

I just had to go take a shower after typing that. These are the sacrifices I make for you. You’re welcome.


Dear Cooper,

My husband and I were invited to a Halloween party. It’s been years since we’ve dressed up and I’m at a loss. I’d love to come up with a fun couple’s costume. Do you have any ideas?

Dear Halloween Hottie,

Hell yeah, I have ideas. Halloween is awesome and we all know I love costumes (and not just dick costumes, although those are the best). Sit back and let Cooper solve your Halloween dilemma.

Hot dog and buns
He’s dressed as a big hot dog (the bigger the better, am I right?) and you’re a hot dog bun. Please tell me you get it, because I seriously love me a good butt stuff joke and this one is classic. And if you need to (because oddly enough, not everyone thinks dirty costumes are funny), you can play it off like you’re actually just dressed as food. But we’ll know the truth. Wink.

Plug and outlet
This one is a little more obvious, especially because the version I saw has the plug right at the dude’s crotch. He’s the plug, you’re the outlet. I’m sorry, but that’s always going to be funny.

Netflix and Chill
This one is super easy and a great option if your guy is anti-costume (although I have no idea why he would be since costumes are awesome). You wear a Netflix t-shirt and he wears a Chill t-shirt. Simple, effective, comfortable. I’d call that a win-win-win.

Side note: is Netflix and Chill still a thing? I’m going to just admit I have no idea. I’d ask Chase, but he’s in the same boat as me. We’re dads now, so we’re kind of out of the loop when it comes to this stuff.

If you need something family friendly (I get it, I have kids, things change), you could go as a movie or celebrity couple, or something like a taco and hot sauce, peanut butter and jelly, or cookies and milk… and apparently I’m hungry because half my ideas are food.

Anyway, get creative and have fun with it! And if you have any trouble convincing your husband to go along with your costume idea, just show him your boobs. That always seems to work on me (and basically every guy I know).