Squirrel Protection Squad Reports

Catch up on Tilikum goings on and read the Squirrel Protection Squad report archives here.

Tilikum Tribune

It was recently determined that last week’s Tilikum-wide power outage was the result of a squirrel inside the substation. The squirrel managed to interfere with equipment, causing a fault, which was the source of the outage.

At this time, we don’t have any reason to believe it was a coordinated squirrel effort. More than likely, it was a lone squirrel who found himself in a tricky situation.
A squirrel making a sneaky getaway on a power line.
We’re also pleased to report that the squirrel was not harmed. He was located in the substation alive, and after a lengthy chase, was ushered back out into the wild. The S.P.S. would like to thank the employees who sacrificed a few bumps and bruises in their attempts to release the squirrel safely.

Stay tuned for more Squirrel Protection Squad updates!

Squirrel Protection Squad, signing off

Tilikum Tribune

Tilikum resident Broderick Bailey was involved in a high-speed chase on Friday. According to witnesses, the six-year-old was eating cookies while operating a power-wheels vehicle. Broderick claims a squirrel climbed onto his toy vehicle, grabbed one of his cookies, and fled the scene.

Broderick gave chase, maxing out his vehicle at approximately five miles per hour, but could not recover the cookie before the squirrel took refuge in a tree.
A small boy sitting in a toy car next to a squirrel eating a cookie.
Fortunately, Broderick’s parents, Logan and Cara Bailey, were not without replacement cookies. But this serves as a reminder to always watch your snacks.

Squirrel Protection Squad, signing off

Tilikum Tribune

Sheriff’s deputies were called to the scene of reported squirrel gang activity downtown last Wednesday. Customers of Happy Paws reported what they’re calling a coordinated squirrel attack on Mrs. Greenly’s dog, Spanx. Other bystanders claim Spanx, who is a chihuahua weighing approximately three pounds, was the instigator of the incident, and the squirrels were acting in self-defense.

What resulted was a lengthy stand-off between the group of squirrels and Spanx that included a great deal of barking, described as “yipping” by witnesses.
An image of a quiet street being interrupted by a chihuahua barking at squirrels.
Sheriff’s deputies were able to bring order to the scene and no squirrels were harmed. Spanx remains a yippy chihuahua and there’s some concern that she’s a grudge holder. We’ll keep you updated if this story progresses.

Squirrel Protection Squad, signing off

Tilikum Tribune

The S.P.S. recovered a wallet from a known squirrel stash outside the Timberbeast Tavern.

Witnesses to the incident report seeing a squirrel carrying the wallet in question up a tree and placing it inside a hollow portion.

Also recovered were several candy wrappers, an unopened bag of pretzels, and a partially eaten granola bar.

The S.P.S. assumes the original owners of those items won’t pursue recovery.

Except maybe the owner of the pretzels.

If you’re missing your wallet or your salty snack, contact the S.P.S. for details.

Squirrel Protection Squad, signing off

Tilikum Tribune

For reasons that are as yet unclear, a squirrel became trapped on an electric power pole and was unable to get down. Before SPS members could arrive on the scene, the power company took the initiative to shut down power so the squirrel wouldn’t be electrocuted.

That does explain the brief power outage part of the town experienced, but I think we can all agree that saving the life of an innocent animal was worth the minor inconvenience.

With the help of Zachary Haven, power company workers were able to reach the squirrel. Zachary managed to release it into the wild without any injury to the squirrel. Or to himself. Tilikum Power Co. was able to restore power in short order.

Squirrel Protection Squad, signing off

Tilikum Tribune

The small grove of pear trees behind the Tilikum library has become a scene of significant squirrel shenanigans of late. The S.P.S. has received multiple reports of squirrels falling over, bumping into tree trunks, slipping off branches, and running into each other.

The pear grove has become the squirrels own Timberbeast Tavern, with an ample supply of fermenting pears. Yes, neighbors, our bushy-tailed friends are indulging in alcoholic fruit and becoming intoxicated.

Steps are being taken to clear out at least some of the fermenting pears to limit the squirrels’ access to the intoxicants, seeing as they clearly don’t know when to say when.

In the meantime, peanut butter cookie squirrel lures have been constructed to draw their attention elsewhere. As predicted, these efforts are meeting with success. Thanks to all our neighbors who donated cookies and peanut butter for this effort.

Squirrel Protection Squad, signing off

Tilikum Tribune

The SPS has received a request that visitors to the Zany Zebra—known throughout Tilikum for their burgers, fries, and excellent ice cream selection—refrain from allowing squirrels to enter the restaurant.

Apparently some of our well-intentioned neighbors opened the door and held it for a squirrel, citing it’s “cuteness” as it sat outside, as if waiting to be let in like a pet. The staff of the Zany Zebra would like to emphasize that this squirrel is not a pet, but in fact appears to have developed a potentially dangerous addiction to waffle cones.

For the protection of the squirrel and the health and safety of those in the Zany Zebra, don’t let the squirrel in, no matter how cute he appears. He has a very serious waffle cone problem, and we’re currently looking into treatment options.

Squirrel Protection Squad, signing off

Tilikum Tribune

Tilikum is no stranger to feuds. Although the Bailey-Haven feud has been over for some time, the feuding spirit lives on in Mrs. Greely’s dog, Spanx and her vendetta against the squirrels.

Spanx has been spending quite a bit of time in Lumberjack Park, barking at trees that may or may not have squirrels in them. It’s possible the squirrels have also instigated feud-like interactions with Spanx, although witnesses say the yipping is largely on the part of the three-pound chihuahua.

Mrs. Greely, understandably, defends her pup’s actions, claiming the squirrels are harassing her dog. This has yet to be substantiated by witnesses, however, and it’s believed that Spanx is the primary antagonist.

We’ll have updates for you as this situation progresses.

Squirrel Protection Squad, signing off